OH NO, He's Hot
by cooltric
Summary: My name is Wirt. Last names aren't very important to me. Anyways, I'm a junior in high school. I moved to California last month. I'm 17, and I'm fucking poetry in motion. This is pretty much all you need to know about me. For now.
1. School

My name is Wirt. Last names aren't very important to me. Anyways, I'm a junior in high school. I moved to California last month. I'm 17, and I'm fucking poetry in motion. This is pretty much all you need to know about me. For now.

It's 5:30AM on the first dreaded Monday of the school year. Wirt slaps his alarm clock off, sighing to himself. Greg runs into his room, jumping on his older brother who was trying to go back to sleep. "Wirt! I'm starting the 4th grade today, you've gotta drive me to school!" he screamed, or at least that's what it sounded like to half asleep Wirt. Wirt stands groggily, pulling his favorite red hoodie and matching beanie out of his closet, throwing it on. "Okay, fine. Go get ready little man." After Greg is dropped off and comfortable with his surroundings, Wirt kisses him on the head and leaves. After twenty minutes of being lost and driving around in his brand new blue 1975 Buick that he has named Beatrice, he found the high school. He muttered some words of confidence to himself as he parked next to an old, junky golf cart. Placing his sunglasses on their designated spot, he got out of his car.

The day was a breeze until fifth hour, which was band. Wirt was especially looking forward to band today, it was the highlight of his school life in Massachusetts. He took a seat in a random chair, as it said to on the board, holding his clarinet close to his heart. A few people walk in with their instruments, sitting in chairs around him. The class is almost full, except a few chairs around Wirt which were empty. He wasn't enjoying it much until a giant nerd dragged his sousaphone into the class. The director looked at Wirt and said "Red hat, what's your name?" "Uh, Wirt." A few snickers from the class erupted. "Help noodle arms get his instrument into the class." He nods in an okay, standing and going to help the boy out. Once the boy is settled into his seat with a very deep blush tinting his freckled face. "Thank you." his mumbled back to the red hat behind him as the director rumbled on. "Welcome freckles." "It's Dipper." "Little or big?" "Uh?" "I meant the constellations babe, like Ursa Minor and Ursa Major, but if you're willing to answer that question too, I'm all ears." Dipper blushed heavily, swallowing hard. "What's yours?" quickly changing the subject. "Wirt, but you can call me anytime. Speaking of which, class is over, and I lost my phone, do you think you could call it?" "Uh, yeah sure." Pulling out his phone, Wirt punches in his phone number, handing it back. As Dipper presses call, Wirt's ringtone goes off which just so happened to be the "MOM holy FUCK" meme. Dipper's eyebrows furrow as Wirt pulls his phone out of his pocket and slides it to answer. "Thanks cutie. Also, what's your next hour?" "Uh, math." "Me too, with ?" "Mm-hm." "Walk with me?" and to which Dipper replies, "if I have to." with a smile.

Arriving to math class together, Wirt looks at the seating chart and then notices Dipper looking sad, noticing he's in the back. Then, he turns around to face the chalkboard and grins. The class takes their seats. The teacher walks in and sits at his desk. Dipper immediately raises his hand. Before calling on him, Mr. Matthews looks at the seating chart and calls his name. "Yes, Dipper?" "Um, I'd like to solve the problem on the board if that's alright." Mr. Matthews scoffed and replied "Well, if you think you can. That's from my Senior class, the period before this one." "Well, if I didn't have band I would have band that hour I would be there." Dipper snapped right back. Wirt erupts from the middle of the class with a loud "oooOOOH" and the rest of the class joins him. "Solve it, then smarty-pants." With that, Dipper stands proudly. Before he gets to the board, he smirked, because what the teacher didn't know, he'd already solved it in his notes. He grabs chalk, and the quickest he can, re-solves the problem onto the board. Sitting his chalk down, he turns to the teacher with his arms behind his back. "How's that for a smarty-pants?" Once again, you hear Wirt comment "Fuck, man? Looks and brains?" and Dipper regains the red in his face he had an hour ago. "Oh, teach, for my reward, I'd like to sit as far away from Wirt as possible please." The teacher laughs. "Reward? How about I write you up for wearing a hat in my class?" With this, Wirt erupts from this desk. "If he's going to get written up for wearing a hat I'll have to go to, because I'm about to go off on a teacher for neglecting school dress code. Which, clearly states, 'students may wear hats.'" "Wirt. Dipper. Detention. One week." "TWO weeks!" Wirt screams, fire in his eyes, walking to the front of the class with Dipper clearly trying to hold him back. "THREE weeks!" the teacher screams. "A freaking MONTH." "DEAL. Now get the hell out of my class."

After handing them both hall passes to the principals office, a month of detention written in all caps on both of their slips. As they're walking out, Dipper sniffles. Wirt turns around quicker than ever. "What's wrong?" "I-I've never had detention before. The only time I've ever been in the detention hall, was um, to watch over the bad kids." Wirt holds back a laugh, but then gives a sad smile. "I'm sorry, I thought you were a bad boy." Dipper smiles back. Wirt slows his walking a bit, and holds out his hand for the shorter boy to grab. He gladly accepted. Wirt then whispered to him, "I have clue where we're going." with a short laugh. Dipper laughed back, realizing they were going the wrong way. Turning around, his day brightened slightly. Red hat boy is starting to get very cute to him. Maybe detention won't be all that bad.

That is until he saw Bill Cipher. Nothing much to him, besides being your local meme enthusiast/illuminati theorist. "Hey Pinetree! You looking after us JUVENILES again today?" "No Bill, for the next month I'm a juvenile thanks to this gnome." Pointing up to Wirt. "So that means I get to BUG you for the next MONTH? Um, yay." Wirt started to visibly get irritated at the way this 'Bill' guy was looking at Dipper. Bill then turned toward Wirt, smiling. "Who're you? Hah just kidding, I'm just gonna call you gnome, because Pinetree called you that." "Why do you call him that?" "His last name is Pines! Plus, have you seen his hat?" "Oh." He smirked, looking at Dipper. He whispered into the shorter ones ear "Mr. Wirt Pines, I can get used to that." Dipper almost turns purple, and then Bill buds in, sliding in between them. "You KNOW, secrets don't make FRIENDS. But I've got plenty of those, and I don't mean friends." Bill winks. The teacher walks in, arranging the seating where Dipper is in the front row, Bill behind him, Wirt at the end. After a while, the teacher fell asleep. Wirt kicks Bill's desk, handing him a note. Bill turns to Wirt, eyes glittering with mischief, of course. "For ME?" He smirked. Wirt, instead of replying, kicks his leg again, pointing at Dipper, who was doodling in a notebook Mabel had bought him the day before, especially for doodling. Bill rolls his eyes. "I know, I know." He leans forward. "Yo Pinetree, your boyfriends got a little somthin'-somthin' for you." He said, tugging the back of Dipper's pants, sliding the note into the back of Dipper's boxers. "Man, I didn't know they made panties in this size." Bill announced to the room, and Wirt flew out of his desk, coughing rather loudly. After fiddling around to find the note in his pants, Dipper snatches the note out of his boxers. He turns himself around to face Bill, and smiles at the note. It reads "Hey, do you wanna get outta here?" And Dipper replies aloud, "Why didn't you just text me? Bill is reading this, you know." Bill smirks. "Well, the teach sleeps until...like seven so WE have got PLENTY of time." "Um, I wasn't asking you, Cipher." "Why's that?" "Because you're not included in my 'we'. My 'we' is Dipper and I." Wirt became very angry and red-faced at Bill. "You KNOW, the teacher DOES wake up very easily, so if I, I don't know, scream at the top of my lungs, he might wake up." Wirt bites his lip, looking Bill in the eyes, standing up slightly in his desk. "You know, he doesn't like you." Bill stands. "Pinetree and I are friends, why wouldn't he like me? Why would you say my own BLOOD doesn't like me?" Wirt sits down. "Oh, fuck." Dipper blushes at how mad he'd gotten, and bursts out in laughter. "Oh my god, you thought? You really? He's my cousin!" Bill sits, very confused. "Thought what? Why did the gnome snap at me?" "C'mon freckles, let's just go, I'm sick of this. Also, I'm hungry." Wirt stands, talking up to Dipper, grabbing his hand. Bill stands, sits on the floor and pouts, crossing his arms. "Fine, GO. It's not like I CARE or ANYTHING. Who needs EMOTIONS anyway? Not when I have the LOVE of my LIFE." Bill says as he pulls a family sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos out of his backpack. Silently whispering, Bill strokes the Doritos fondly. "You're family sized because we're gonna have a big family. And a BACKYARD. For the ATTACK DOGS." Wirt looked at Dipper, stroking his thumb on Dipper's hand. "He's insane." "Hey, I'm related to that psychotic Dorito lover." Wirt snorted. Bill opens the Dorito bag, still whispering sweet nothings to it. Wirt sighs, mumbling. "C'mon Dorito, let's go." Bill CRUSHES the ENTIRE bag of Doritos and screamed at the top of his lungs "REALLY?!" and Wirt nods as the teacher wakes up from deep slumber, and the three dart out of the classroom as if being chased by a thousand bees.

NOTES

We're memes. It's 9AM. We haven't slept. And we're memes.

MOM HOLY FUCK audio: watch?v=U6PTdWuwLm8


	2. Date

Chaper 2: Date

"Um, what do I do about my golf cart?" Dipper clicked his keys, the piece of junk beeped back like a car would. "Throw it away." Wirt joked, looking at Dipper. "Pfft, your car isn't half of what my ole Disco Girl is." "One, my car, is the blue 1975 Buick babe right next to yours. Two, Disco Girl? Really?" "Holy shit, that's yours?" "Don't worry about it, just get in." Wirt opened up the car's passenger door for him, Dipper getting into the car with a blush. Bill looked at Wirt, starting to climb on top of the car, "So I sit up here, correct?" "Oh hell no Dipper I'm gonna-" "Get in the car, Bill."

"So, Dipper, I'm gonna drop Bill off at home." Bill, screaming from the backseat. "OH FUCK no. I am going on a date today." "Um, with who?" "With you both? Dipper I'm confused." Wirt blushed, looking at Dipper and at the same time keeping his eyes on the road. "I'm gonna kill him." "No. Also, where are we going?" "To pick up Greg, my little bro." Dipper's rubbed his temple. "Wow Wirt, what a beautiful date idea." "No no, I'm gonna drop him off at Chuck 'E Cheese and nearby the place I'm taking you? "What place?" "I WANNA GO TO CHUCK 'E CHEESES?" Bill said, cutting into their conversation. "Will that get you off of my hands for an hour?" "It's not your hands were on mine anyway, they were on Pinetree's." Dipper became flushed, looking at the person sitting next to him. "Metaphorical hands, Wirt." Wirt laughed and nodded, a small boy walking up to the back door. Wirt moves the rear view mirror and looks at Bill. He looks at Dipper for a split second. "Bill, touch my little brother and I'll fucking cut you." He looks back over at Bill, who is buckling Greg in. "You are so cute, I am going to call you little Teapot. What Gnome? Didn't hear ya." Wirt grunts with anger, making sure everyone is buckled before pulling off.

After a short trip, they pull up to Chuck 'E Cheese and Wirt parks, getting out with the three. "Dip, I'm gonna bring Greg in and get him settled." Bill cuts in. "Me too!" "Ugh, I guess." Wirt looks at Greg, holding his little baby hand. "You ready to see the creepy mouse again?" "Oh, do I!" Bill takes Wirt's other hand and Wirt rips it back and wipes it on his shirt. The look on his face resembled a person who had just opened their Christmas gift and it was a Minion snapback. Greg looks up at his brother who looks back. "So, is Pinetree your boyfriend?" "Why'd you call hi-" Bill once again cuts in, "No reason." Wirt sighs. "His name's Dipper, and if this goes well, yes, he will be." Wirt looks back to smile at Dipper and trips on air, but catches himself, throwing a wink at him. Dipper put a hand on his mouth and smiled, laughing. Wirt mumbled a curse word to himself as he walks straight into the door of the restaurant. After he recollects himself, he then opens the door. "Okay Greg, here's your allowance. Don't eat anything, we'll bring you some dinner." "Okay!" Bill looks at Wirt, frowning. "Do you have any for me?" "Um, what do I get out of it?" "Information." "On what?" "Pinetree." Wirt thinks for a moment, then hands Bill $20. He whispered into the others ear, "This better be damn good information." "Dippers ticklish everywhere. And his neck is very sensitive, if you know what I'm sayin'." He throws a wink. Wirt is very flushed now, and turns to the Chuck 'E Cheese employee, coughing to himself. "Okay um, keep an eye on these two for me. Don't let him climb on anything." The employee smiles with her response. "Oh, the little one?" Wirt leans in. "No."

"Where are we going?" Were Dippers first words when Wirt got back to him. "We're walking there, it's right next door." "Oh. Okay." Dipper smiled, looking around. Wirt held out his hand for Dipper to grab, which he hesitantly did. They walked for a moment, and approached a Olive Garden. "Uh, I've never been here before." Dipper says as they're being seated. "What the hell, really?" "Um.. Yeah." "Well, they know me here pretty well. My parents basically own O.G." "What? No wonder you're rich!" "Yeah, I am pretty spoiled." Dipper snorts. "So, what are you gonna get?" "Tour of Italy." He points to it on the menu. "Yeah, same." A waiter approaches, holding a bottle of champagne. "Champagne?" he said, looking at Wirt. He looked at Dipper, who was very confused. Looking back, he nods at the waiter who pours the two a bit. Another waiter approaches with breadsticks and salad.

The two hours they spent were amazing, getting to know each other better. Dippers love of Taylor Swift, the song Disco Girls, Arcade Games, reading, math, Dungeons Dungeons and more Dungeons, his sister, paranormal activities, TLOZ, writing and did he mention reading? Oh yeah. A lot more. Wirt got to tell Dipper all about Greg, his love of poetry, clarinet, the color red, flowers, and a bajillion other nerdy things. It was the best date of Dipper's life. Wirt's, too. As they walk out, Wirt looks at his new boyfriend. "So uh, Dipper, wanna go to... Jason Funderburker's party next week?" "Why'd you make that face when you said his name?" "I... Nothing? I don't know." Dipper, who was a little more than tipsy from all the champagne he drank, looked at Wirt and hugged him. Wirt hugged him back, smiling. "Dipper, you're drunk." "No.. I'm not." "Mm-hmm." Dipper looked up and leaned in for a kiss. Wirt pulled away, smiling. "Dipper, you're drunk and this isn't right." Wirt didn't drink anything, since he would be driving. Dipper looked disappointed, but smiled after Wirt kissed him on his cheek. He pulled Dipper into Chuck 'E Cheese. "Little man! We're here for you." He yelled, looking for Greg. Bill and Greg were at the ticket desk, with several piles of tickets in front of them. Dipper speaks up. "Where did you get all those?" "Bill won all of the games!" "All of them?" Wirt looks confused, and just gets a nod from Bill. "I can't see all of the ticket prizes!" Greg said sadly, and in reply Bill picks him up and places him on his shoulders. He jumps a couple times. "What about now Teapot?" "Yes! How many do we have again worker lady?" "10,000. I don't know how, but you do." "Wirt! Wirt! Can I get the car?!" "What car?" "The barbie one!" "Sure, Greg." Wirt smiled, holding on to stumbling Dipper. They hand Bill a very large box, holding the parts to the car. "Alrighty. Thank you miss." Wirt says to the woman, taking Greg and making Bill hold the box. "Greg we gotta get home soon, we got O.G. for dinner." "O.G.?!" "O.G." they share a nod. They pile into Beatrice, Greg sitting on Bill's lap to make room for the car. Everyone was getting pretty tired by then. Except Wirt. They got to Wirt and Greg's home pretty quick. "C'mon you sleepyheads. Also, Bill, we got you something to eat." Wirt smiled with a sigh, trying to warm up to him. Dipper's asleep, so Wirt walks over to Dipper and picks him up out of his seat, carrying him bridal style into his house, placing him in his bed. There was a note on the kitchen, reading; "Money for food is on your card. We're on a business trip. Love you!" Wirt sighed.

After everyone was inside, Greg and Bill sleepily eating in the kitchen. Wirt retreats to his room with a glass of water, where Dipper was asleep on his bed, cuddling his pillows. Wirt sits on the bed, grabbing Dipper's phone out of his pocket, blushing that he touched his butt. He shook Dipper slightly. "You need to drink some water babe." With that, Dipper sat up, drinking the whole glass. "What's your passcode?" "Call my Grunkles. It's 2222." "2222?" "Abba." "Oh my God Dipper."

The phone call was short, and it was Friday. Dipper was gonna stay the night. Wirt was excited for a full night of cuddling. He takes Dippers hands, and leads him to the bathroom. "You need a bath?" "Yeah." "O-Okay. You need clothes, be right back." Wirt says, running to his closet. He returns with some pants and a shirt, walking in on Dipper taking off his pants causing Dipper to fall over. "Gah, you scared me." Dipper laughs, and so does Wirt. "Nice undies cutie." "Hey! There was nothing else in the laundry, so I grabbed these. I didn't know they were Mabel's." "Nah, I think it's kinda hot." "The worst part is, when Mabel saw me wearing them, she told me to keep them because I look better in them." Wirt burst out laughing. After a minute, Dipper looks at Wirt with a smile. "Will you shower with me?" "Dipper-" "No, I mean, I am drunk. I need help." Wirt smiled. "Okay." Agreeing, he takes off his shirt, revealing that he's completely ripped. "God damn." Dipper looked at his chest in awe. Wirt smiles, trying to quit blushing, but it wasn't working. Dipper takes off his shirt too. They look at each other, and begin to lean in for a kiss, and the door flies open. "OH my GOD Pinetree, why are you getting naked?" When Wirt notices he's holding sleeping Greg, he snatches the boy up from him. "Mine." Wirt mumbles. "I am so glad he's asleep, or else I would have KILLED you Bill." "Oh you shut up, you're the one who's getting freaky with PINETREE." "I am not!" "Are too!" Dipper cuts in. "You're gonna wake up Greg." "Oh yeah, right, Dipper's staying the night." "I'll walk home, thank you for the 'O.G.' tonight." He used hand motions when saying O.G., Wirt laughed. "Alright, bye Bill." Wirt said, walking him out. He then lay Greg down to sleep, kissing him on the forehead and leaving.

When he returned to Dipper, they took a platonic bath. There was a lots of staring at body parts, mostly Wirt's abs, other things too. They decided to sleep in only underwear, which Wirt loaned him some. Wirt moved Dipper close to his body, making him the little spoon. "Pinetree? More like Minetree." He laughed, and Dipper laughed too. "You're so sweet, Wirt." "Yeah I know, but you're sweeter." "Aw nah, you're like, actual fine sugar, and I'm the artificial stuff." "Whatever, you're like pure sugar and like fuckin'...salt." The two laugh some more, and Dipper mumbled "Goodnight" eventually, and in response, Wirt kissed his forehead and said "Goodnight." back, and they both drifted off to sleep together.

Notes: Bill totally stole all of their Doritos. Also, most of the candy. Left some for Greg tho. This chapter was fun to write.

Also, this is Greg's bitch mobile: search?q=barbie+small+car+can+fit+child&rlz=1C1CHWA_enUS625US625&espv=2&biw=1366&bih=683&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAWoVChMI05rSvaqaxwIVC40NCh1NRA7i#imgdii=9t-7JQFt8P-9aM%3A%3B9t-7JQFt8P-9aM%3A%3BsS1IBZ-jOW1e5M%3A&imgrc=9t-7JQFt8P-9aM%3A

Imagine Bill and Greg riding in that, please.


End file.
